No Pain No Nescafe!

I'm lying on the floor in the middle of our living room. The TV screen is vibrantly alive showing a woman in a similar position. Her voice is of an octave pitch.

"And squeeze and squeeze"
There is a momentary pause. "And squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!"

My thoughts are if I squeezed any harder the coil in the instrument between my thighs would recoil violently and spending the rest of my evening in the Accident&Emergency Unit with a dislocated vagina was far from appealing!

The idea was to strengthen the inner thighs making them toned. It was not suppose to be a painful ordeal. Which part of "no pain no gain" was I not understanding?

"Now onto our next exercise.... working those gluteus maximus"

She is too good looking for my liking. She looked like the typical french woman who was slim but thinks she is fat. While I was the typical British woman who was slightly plump but is convinced that I'm slim!

I follow obediently. I raise my pelvis and squeeze my bottom as hard as I can as instructed.

12 more.. 11... 10.... My right hand reaches down and touches the right bum cheek. I have to confess I like the feel of firmness. It motivates me to keep going before my derriere flops back onto the floor in an excruciating heap. My bum cheeks feels like they are on fire. Which part of "no pain no gain" was I not understanding?

It is a Friday evening and I had the whole flat to myself. Stanley had gone out for his usual religious drinks with the boys. After a hectic week the last thing I wanted was to be in company.

I was looking forward to a night-in on my own. And use the exercise DVD bought from last Christmas followed by a nice soak in the bath and read my book -"Secret Habits of Successful Bastards: the Self-Help book for people who are too Nice"

It was recommended by one of my fellow Coffee Club members. Fred. Ah yes Fred! My mind drifts to gorgeous Fred. He is not quite the Anthony Stewart Head but beggars can't be choosers!

The door bells rings. I lie there reluctant to move. I was not expecting anyone and I was finishing off my workout with meditation. Empty your mind...... I picture myself walking down the Catwalk and everyone is cheering me. Miss Derriere 2009! Concentrate! Empty your mind.

The door bell rings again beckoning for attention.

"Oh blast" I retorted. A trifle annoyed I grab my oversized tee-shirt and it slithers over my body effortlessly. Compliments of Henry. In fact, most of my tee-shirts were from "borrowed and not returned" Ex's.

I open the door. "Hello?"

"Oh Sorry to bother you but I'm having a dinner party and I seem to have run out of coffee."

It was our neighbour from the flat below. He had moved in about a month ago.

Wasn't this the part that he (I) invites her ( him) in?

It's been some time since I've seen the Nescafe Gold Blend advert. There was something very wrong about this one. I'm sure I remembered he was tall, smooth and sexy looking. But here stood a short, bald, fat man bearing a smile like a hyena.

I blurt out "No, Sorry I dont' drink coffee!" and quickly close the door.

I stand for a minute, not quite sure what to make of the obtrusion. I shake my head as I walk towards the DVD player. I take out the DVD and place it into it's case.

It was a good workout. And I was pleased with myself.

The door bell rings again! This time I am more than a trifle annoyed.
Which part of "no" did he not understand!
I swing open the door expecting to see my neighbour again, instead.

"Boris!" I exclaim.

"You fancy a coffee?" in his usual seductive deep voice. He moves swiftly and the next thing I know I feel his hands on my hips. I gasp with surprise and before I could even object his warm lips envelopes mine. His leg eases the door closed behind him. I give a muffled "No".
Was this the part when a woman says "No" when she really means "Yes"!?

Copyright@2009 Sandra Fox